Apr 18, 2021

   Living in Unconditional Love (6) 

“Love flows from God to humans without effort: 

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings- 

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul, 

Yet separate in form.” 

–Mechtild of Magdeburg 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of the it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down for over a year. 

04/18/2021 I have spent the week basking in the unconditional love that still flows through Eileen, even though she is no longer physically present. I visited the cemetery and thanked her with profound gratitude for her love. One of the things she talked about to the girls in the middle of the night shortly before she died was that she worried about me. And she was right to worry. But God gave me things to do: stay with my brother for a total of six weeks in Ohio, do the many little tasks of living more-or-less alone, and the gift of having my daughter stay here for over six months (even though I usually only saw her at mealtimes). But still I struggled, as the pandemic limited the ability to fill my life with friends except by phone. I struggled for many months with excepting her absence. 

It was in January that I woke up one day feeling different, and I could actually feel joy at daily events, finding ways to live a bit with joy in my heart. Eileen’s clothes are still pretty much as she left them, except for the items one daughter took home, as she is the only one that can wear them (Eileen was tall and therefore bought tall sizes). Today I realized I could start putting her things away. I started putting some items in plastic cartons; I will buy more cartons during the week. At least I can store many that are not in dry-cleaning bags away to open up room, and that is a profound step. I still cannot let them go, but that will happen. 

I am taking a course based on the book by Fr. Richard Rohr, Breathing Under Water, Spirituality and the twelve steps. I decided in addition to my own book on the twelve steps, it would be good to join with others in freeing myself and learning to live alone without falling into the trap that loneliness can bring. I have read the book before, and it provides profound insights into the human psyche. The basis is that something must occur to each of us that causes us to reach our personal bottom before we can surrender our ego to our higher power (God), and the twelve-step approach is a simple but profound method to use to reach that wonderous heights. I have had the impact of depression in my life that operated in that fashion of bringing me down, causing much pain to both Eileen and I, for most of my life, and now with Eileen’s death another profound shock that drove me down to deep struggle once again. I now realize that I depended on Eileen to be that channel of unconditional love of God, and with her going I am left to do it differently. 

My approach throughout life was to take my struggles to God, even when it was extremely difficult to do so. My mind often refused to be quiet and screaming thoughts would race through. But when that occurred, and it occurred often over the years, I would plod on and just do the things that I knew, from experience, would eventually lead me to internal peace. This past year was no exception to that: and it took almost a year to quiet that roar in the mind. Often, my ‘quiet time’ was anything but being quiet in the mind. But I did the time and work anyway, knowing that eventually it would work – and it has. 

Meditation  

Gentle One, You have gently led me to the present time. I am grateful for the signs of spring, new life, and profound beauty in the world to guide me to be easy in my mind. You speak to me now through nature, watching new life spring free and glorious in beauty and freshness. The days seem to fly by, and the wonder of Your Love holds me strongly in this different life You have given me.