May 05, 2019
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future
To a known God”
Corrie ten Bloom
My wife and best friend Eileen has been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus. She has received radiation to reduce the tumor, and is now undergoing chemo. This blog will give my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time.
Much to our surprise, the Drs. decided to not do chemo this Easter week, as Eileen was exhausted from the Easter festivities. So we had a second week without chemo, and Eileen recovered very well during the week. We had several visits from friends, including one who brought delicious soup that Eileen loved, being a bit spicy that she found wonderful. Many friends have made various soups for Eileen that have been beneficial during this time. We did talk with the radiation dr., who we find more open and sharing of the various doctors, and he brought in a dietician, as the prime concern is to maintain weight. They suggested at least one egg a day, and keep hard-boiled eggs on hand for a snack. It is a twist in diets: the goal is high calorie count, to hold or gain weight!
I have found much support on my part of this path of life in the course of Andrew Harvey, “Rebirthing Yourself Through the Dark Night of the Soul”, that started a few weeks ago. I have been able to pull myself out of the almost paralyzing place I had found myself for the first month or so, and now find solace and joy in serving Eileen in any way I can. It is a whole new world for me, managing the household, the laundry, planning meals and cooking, usually for one or more of the family that is here to support and help us, making our bed, keeping things as clean as possible, etc. Andrew Harvey speaks from the deep pain that he has gone through, and I can relate closely to his feelings of pain, and gaining strength to surrender to the Loving Power of God in all things, especially this journey. That surrender leads to a subtle feeling of joy and peace, as this path of life is one we all have to go through, and as a part of life, acceptance of each moment is part of the wonder of the path.
God is gentle, and in the form of Jesus, went on a similar journey of life and death, as indeed, God journeys with each of us in this life. I understand that God is to be found most deeply in our vulnerability and pain, where we no longer have the strength to put up a front that hides our reality. It seems that it is the pain that finally drives us ever deeper into the loving embrace of God. During these times in life we face the wall where there is nothing we can do to alleviate the pain of life, then we discover anew that we surrender ourselves each day (hour?) and just let the river of God fill our being and lead us to acceptance and peace of mind. Everywhere we turn, when friends or friends of friends know the phase of life Eileen is in, we receive support and loving hearts open to us.
Oh God of Wonder, Your gentle love cradles us and holds us carefully in its heart, as we venture into the unknown. Eileen has been the source of love for so many; now she is receiving love in abundance during this venture. We are grateful for all the support that overflows upon us, where Your Love is paramount in view from all we meet. We do not know the process, and the ongoing feelings of concern and love support us in all we do at this time.