Living inUnconditional Love (7)
Apr 25, 2021
Living in Unconditional Love (7)
“Love flows from God to humans without effort:
As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings-
Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul,
Yet separate in form.”
–Mechtild of Magdeburg
My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down for over a year.
04/25/2021 This week on May 1 Eileen would have been 83. I will see how I go through this second birthday without her. I feel good right now, missing her but quite use to being alone. Ok, not completely, as I miss the casual banter we had on an ongoing basis, but I do not have to be anywhere at any specific time unless I have an appointment. My meals are simple, usually taking only a few minutes to prepare, as when I cook the leftovers that last for several meals. Most items I heat in the microwave, and the rest of the time I indulge in whatever interests me. Paint, build models, read, nap, and now that the weather is a bit warmer, I can work on bonsai and the enjoy the garden outdoors. I have yet to mow the lawn, but I did start the tractor and it is ready.
I did start to pack away Eileen’s clothes, filling three tubs, and have purchased three more. I will keep a couple of items out, but I will see as I pack. Right now, I am stacking them in the storage room downstairs.
Today was nice, and I walked around the garden looking at what has appeared, as I planted several items, but they have not yet shown their face. I am replacing the roses with peonies, as roses take too much care, and from experience it takes peonies sometime to appear after being planted, and I do not expect bloom for two or three years. Roses are beautiful but require constant attention andnspraying, and last only a brief time in our atmosphere and soil. Peonies, on the other hand, once established last for generations with little care. True, they only bloom once a year, but the bush is bright green and beautiful the rest of summer. I have seen peonies in the middle of a field, and I know that once a house stood there, but it is long gone, but the peony lives on as testimony.
I had the joy of meeting with my bonsai friends this past Friday, and they helped me repot two plants, and that was an exceptionally good time. Since all had their vaccinations, we were free to chat and sit around a member’s garage. Mostly we just chat and talk and work on a few trees, and it has been several months since I could meet with them due to conflicts with doctor appointments.
Life goes on: sometimes it seems like only yesterday and then forever since I lost Eileen, but God has given me this time to explore more of life. Family is good, but I see them seldom, but I expect that this summer I will see them sometime. I do find painting a picture of Eileen or other family member brings me close and renews memories like nothing I have ever done. I try to spend on hour or more each day painting, but sometimes that is not possible. Working on her bonsai brings memories of afternoons spent working on our bonsai side by side.
I am working to keep some level of joy in my life. I use the Disney music channel often, keep Disney figures, never listen to news (read my iPad for headlines, and glance at the New York Times on the iPad.) I do like many of the columns in the New York Times. The only news I subscribe to is the daily paper primarily for the comics and obituaries, and the New Yorker, who’s articles are extensive and through on assorted topics – and they have wicked cartoons.
Meditation
Gentle One, You are guiding me in loving ways to deepen my life in Your Spirit. I find Your beauty in nature, as spring is opening so many wonderful sights, sounds, and smells. Watering the bonsai each evening is a wonderful time of observation of each plant, as life continues and will continue when I am gone.
Your struggle to adjust without Eileen is expected given the level of bonding. I’m sure she would want you to reconcile the parting as quickly as possible. Some find it helpful to volunteer driving a cancer patient or some such helpful gesture. You have such abundance of humanity and care to give. There are many .. even most, I say who lack your level of compassion and mental acuity.. who need you like a heart donation. More than planting flowers in terms of efficacy. Your followers, family and friends are with you in your struggle to exist without your Eileen. Wishing you the very best!!!!!. Chuck.