Jan 29, 2023

Living in Unconditional Love (99)

“Love flows from God to humans without effort:

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings-

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul,

Yet separate in form.”

–Mechtild of Magdeburg

 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down almost two years, and even though it is abating, I wear my mask anytime I am out among people, unlike many.

 

01/29/2022                             My cellulitis is back with a vengeance! I sensed it yesterday in my right foot as usual, but woke up today and could barely walk, having to use my cane to even get to the bathroom. It is feeling a bit better this evening (Saturday) and of course it is a weekend, so I will wait until Monday to talk with my doctor and hopefully get an antibiotic for it. Other than that, I am feeling much better, even though I sleep 9-10 hours and take a nap of an hour or more each day.

Aging is great, except when it isn’t. But all-in-all, I feel good, and my mind is still good. Hard to ask for more.

We had snow this week, and my driveway was plowed twice. It looks beautiful and the snow is melting fast (temperature in the 30s and even 40s during the day), but there are still several inches on the ground.

As you can tell, things are quiet, as all I can talk about is my health and the weather. But it being quiet gives me time to ponder life, and I have found a good book for that (for me) is how to carry what can’t be fixed, a journal for grief, by Megan Devine, LPC. Central to my life is the loss of Eileen, and I must face that every day. I wake up in the morning, and don’t want to start a new day, often lying there for an hour or even more. Finally, the call from the bathroom forces me up. Once I get through the morning routine of shower, getting dressed, etc. and make the bed, I start to feel the energy of the new day. What helps is after breakfast I spend an hour or a bit less in prayer and meditation, that opens my spirit to see the beauty and joy that is always there.

The book is written from the viewpoint of a young wife who lost her husband, but the thoughts and exercises are valid no matter what the sex or age. Much journaling and looking face-on at the demons that always seem to be there, no matter how long it has been since the loss. It is hard to believe that it will be three years in another month.

The days slide by, and today is almost over as I sit here at 7:20 PM on a Saturday. But putting these thoughts down helps me to organize my life and I often spend time looking at old journaling over this past three years to see the road I have traveled.

Acceptance of the loss is not always possible: it was good to read that, since I find myself often looking for Eileen around the corner or even in her favorite chair. It is a fact, but the loss remains just that: a loss, a hole in my life that can’t be filled, not completely. Use to the feeling, yes, but acceptance? Not really.

Meditation

 

Gentle One, I find myself resting in You more and more. Time floats by, decisions must be made, I must watch my health and expenses, etc., but day by day just seem to happen, and soon another week has passed. Your Love shines as a beacon calling me forward, and I feel Eileen’s love and presence that is always there.