May 02, 2021

   Living in Unconditional Love (8) 

“Love flows from God to humans without effort: 

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings- 

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul, 

Yet separate in form.” 

–Mechtild of Magdeburg 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down for over a year. 

05/02/2021 I am writing this on Eileen’s birthday, May 1, the second that I have celebrated since she died. This being the first Saturday of May, I watched the Kentucky Derby in honor of Eileen, since she watched it every year, and I always joined in. Close race and exciting. It was disturbing that the vast majority did not wear a mask. I somehow doubt that all 56,000 present had been vaccinated, unless that was a requirement to obtain tickets. I noticed some of the jockeys wore masks, and maybe 10% of the crowd did, and all the media did. They had reduced the crowd to allow spacing for seating, but from the pictures they were crowded as close as possible to the track, mask-less. 

I had several phone calls from family members and friends, so I felt surrounded by love, and that helped. I also worked on two paint-by-numbers I have made of the younger Eileen; one of her posing in her home in her wedding dress and one of her holding 3-month-old Barbara at my parents’ home, with Barbara peering over her shoulder and Eileen having her head turned in profile. I am amazed how well that one came out, as it started as 3×3 inch black and white print that has been around for a long time. I took a photo of it, and I cropped it to be only those two, used some tools to enhance the resolution and increase the contrast, and it will require only a few touchups to clearly define critical facial edges, which I will do when the painting is completed. Yes, it is still black and white, as is the wedding photo of Eileen. It brings me great joy to carefully trace with the brush and paint the pictures of this beautiful person who graced my life for 60 years. 

I miss Eileen, especially on important days like this. It felt frustrating that I could not buy anything for her birthday, and I found myself reaching for the iPad to find some nice clothes or something, and must stop and pull back, a bit in frustration, especially when I see an ad for something nice that I just know she would like. 

I heard from the wife of a good friend who had retired from Link many years ago that Joe had died this past April. We began to exchange messages, as she is in great pain, even though he had been ill for several years. It helps me to be able to help others who are experiencing similar pain, for I am better able to walk in their shoes, as it were.  

I have decided to brighten up the house a bit and have purchased very colorful bed coverings from MacKenzie-Childs. They tend to over-the-top colors, but I like them. Eileen liked soft pastels, and while very nice, I like bright colors to help bring a sense of joy to the house. I do not have all the pieces yet, even though the shams have arrived, and I will wait for at least the comforter to come before changing out. I know some of the pillows will not arrive until July. 

All in all, a good week, filled with love. 

Mediation  

Gentle One, I feel so blessed as I always feel filled with love, especially during the challenging times when life presents moments of deep memories. I find peace more easily, even when the memories are overwhelming. The blooming of springtime fills my heart with joy, and I feel more connected with the universe than I have felt ever since Eileen was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I bow in gratitude for that breathtaking 60 years I had with Eileen, thanking You for that gift of life beyond compare.