Nov 07, 2021

  Living in Unconditional Love (35) 

“Love flows from God to humans without effort: 

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings- 

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul, 

Yet separate in form.” 

–Mechtild of Magdeburg 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down for over a year and a half, and still going strong from my viewpoint. 

11/07/2021 Holiday season is starting. The time moved back today; Halloween came and went, and Thanksgiving is approaching. I am in a very different place than I was a year ago, settling into my routines and being happy with them, even though the holiday time will see joyful disruptions of them. 

This week saw the first snowfall that quickly vanished, and many killing frosts and freezes. True fall has arrived, and the first tastes of winter. That led me to purchase and have installed my snow tires, and to bring the bonsai into their winter storage areas. The winterizing of the garden will occur over the next few weeks, including wrapping many in burlap so the deer do not feast on them, and to protect some from the bright winter sun from potential burning of the leaves.  

Thus life goes on. I realize that I have moved into a different phase and have accepted the quietness of life. I have grown accepting of my life as it is, living quietly amidst the beauty of nature. I have only myself to blame if I don’t like something, and God seems to have found different paths to speak to me instead of Eileen. Yes, I miss Eileen all the time, but I have only myself to blame if I don’t like something. Living alone forces me to keep things neat, or at least not too messy, and having the cleaning group come in every other Wednesday keeps a decent order in the house. Eileen left things in good order as she was content with all the house and its content before she died.  

I am not sure I would even welcome someone in my home at this point, other than family. I am comfortable with being alone, and there is no compromise to make over anything – it is simply my call. I love what Eileen did in the house. Yes, the holidays will bring a welcome infusion of laughter and joy, but then the holidays will end, and my life will continue its’ path. My health continues to be good, and at least for now I am reasonably happy. I continue to make calls almost every day, and these brief conversations keep a purpose in my life. I find myself content with life as it now exists, and I know that God has brought me to this place of satisfaction if not joy. I love painting, as I can see progress with each paint stroke, and the slow growth of beauty in the models I build is pure joy. I can generally sleep when I want, take a nap if I so wish, eat when I want (I have reasonably set eating times) plus nothing (except phone calls) interrupts my morning prayer times that take about an hour. 

Meditation  

Gentle One, You have led me to this moment of peace, and I am grateful for this time. I feel satisfied with life, accepting that death is part of life, and so grateful for the 60 years You gave me with Eileen. I settle in gratefulness with life as You let it be and wish I could give the world the peace I now feel.