Oct 18, 2021

  Living in Unconditional Love (32) 

“Love flows from God to humans without effort: 

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings- 

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul, 

Yet separate in form.” 

–Mechtild of Magdeburg 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down for over a year and a half. 

10/17/2021                     This has been a mixed week, highs and lows filling the week. On the high side has been the continued warm weather and dry for most of the week. I had the windows washed (it takes two generally to remove and insert the screens) and everything looks clean outside. It is amazing how the dirt (and spiders) accumulates. 

I am writing this on Friday, as I will travel on Saturday to see Barbara and attend the play on Sunday where she is stage manager/assistant director. She has worked with this group for many years. I don’t know the name of the play, but it is usually a comedy that I always enjoy. The last time, two years ago, I was with Eileen, and she was treated with kid gloves as all knew her condition. It will be a mixed time, being alone, but I am sure I will enjoy it. 

A good friend from church died, and I went to the wake, as I wanted to talk with her family. She was a “birthday buddy” of mine, sharing my birthday (April 9) but was several years younger. She had been fighting cancer several years but died from a heart attack. Her husband appeared devastated, and I chatted with her son who is also a good friend. She was always doing something for somebody, and usually ran the bake sales at church. 

I am revising my book to include what has been in my life for the past several years. This included looking back at the journals written over the past almost three years. I was generally pleased by what I read, but it has become clear to me that I just refused to look ahead, preferring to concentrate on being present to Eileen during this process (good) – and hiding from the reality that would follow (bad). I did read books on death, but I was unable to directly face that fact I would be physically alone, and my principal conduit to God (Eileen) would be gone. The books were just words that had no real meaning. I have been forced to mature in ways I did not contemplate (but probably should have). The books God has placed before me at this present moment have proven much more helpful, and I read only a few paragraphs each morning as part of my morning quiet time. 

The process of being alone has been a challenge to me, and it has taken 18 months to come to grip with that simple truth. Yes, I know “I am not alone”, but my eyes and ears know that I am physically alone, no matter what these nice spiritual truths say. I have buried myself in music, crafts, and other things to just avoid sitting in the truth of being alone. It has been only in the past month that I feel comfortable just being, and don’t need to be constantly busy. 

Meditation  

Gentle One, You have been slowly opening my eyes to face reality once more. Time has just flowed by, allowing me to physically and mentally adjust to the reality of what is here. The weather has stayed warm, and I find myself occasionally getting out and wandering about my beautiful land. I am grateful for all the gentle nudges given me during this process.