Aug 15, 2021

   Living in Unconditional Love (23) 

“Love flows from God to humans without effort: 

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings- 

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul, 

Yet separate in form.” 

–Mechtild of Magdeburg 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down for over a year. 

08/15/2021 I am writing this on Friday, as I want to complete it on Saturday. I will be driving to Ohio on Sunday, and I plan to have this page of my journal of life finished on Saturday.  

I went to the Bonsai club monthly meeting on Friday, and during that wonderful time of sharing and clipping realized why I have a hard time working on my bonsai at home. Simply put, this was a hobby shared by Eileen and me, one of the few activities where we worked together. Usually we had our separate interests (except travel that we both loved) that kept sharing talks (and many mutual exchanges) at a high level. Bonsai was one of the few activities that we both loved, and half of the trees were Eileen’s trees. Now they are all mine, and I cannot turn to her for a “what do you think” moment. Hopefully I will regain my active love of this wonderful hobby. I have much to do to keep the trees looking good, but the club has pitched in greatly and kept them within bounds. 

I wonder if one of the reasons that my new endeavors (painting and model building) help me so much is that they are new to me, and Eileen was never a part of them. No reminder of the loss of her presence, even though many of the painting projects are of her. I find I am most eager to paint, as both family (immediate and extended) are included in the array of canvases, as well as scenery and Disney characters. I will miss that activity during my week of travels but will have much to see and hug next week. 

I have mentioned that this may be my last trip to Ohio, at least to my early childhood area. All my family there is gone, and Tom’s children are very nice, but I do not know them well. I was already married with two children of my own when Tom and Mary were married, and Mary’s children were teenagers. I only saw them during the annual visits back to see my parents at big parties, and I spent much of that time keeping track of my expanding brood. I hope to see a few of my high school friends when I am there, just to say hi if nothing else. It seems strange to feel that I may not visit that area again where I grew up for the first 20+ years, but life truly moves on and there is no real recovery from that, and my advancing age must be kept in view. 

I hope to be able to visit the Columbus area again, but I may take an overnight to drive that 500+ miles, maybe traveling through Pittsburgh for the overnight each way. 

I feel that God is gently shepherding me at this time of loneliness and loss, guiding me to a zone of freedom that is different from any experienced. I had thought I would have moved through this dessert of time more quickly, and I suspect that the pandemic lockdowns made things worse, but life has many twists and turns, and I just must ride it along and turn myself over to the care of that loving force we call God and see where it goes. 

Meditation  

Gentle One, I rest in Your care, not knowing where I am traveling, but just ‘being’ in spirit each day. I give myself over to do Your will at this time, day by day, one day, one moment, at a time. I depend on Your Spirit to guide me through this ‘valley of tears’, as it has been called. You surround me with beauty and wonder, each moment of the day; You gave me the wonderous gift of 60 years with Eileen; You have given me life in all its glory; all freely given in breathtaking wonder.