Sep 03, 2023

Living in Unconditional Love (130)

 

“Love flows from God to humans without effort:

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings-

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul,

Yet separate in form.”

–Mechtild of Magdeburg

 

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years after we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill (not COVID), and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down almost two years.

09/03/2023                             This is Labor Day weekend, and the week has been busy, mostly with construction. I have had a 1000-gallon fuel oil tank buried under the concrete patio from when the house was built almost 40 years ago, and it had to be removed since it can leak as it ages. I spent all last winter trying to empty the tank, and I had the remaining fuel pumped out into barrels, about 120 gallons. This past week starting on Wednesday they broke up the cement patio, then removed the tank, and it showed many signs of weakness but had not yet started to leak. I had two smaller tanks installed above ground last year – hopefully with anti-freeze they will not jell up, but I depend mostly on my heat pump system for winter heat. It did not fail to provide heat even at -15 degrees last winter.

I am also having the drainage ditches re-dug, as long as the big machines are here as they tend to fill over time. The machines arrived a day late, so they worked today (Saturday) to end on time, as the concrete will start to arrive on Wednesday. They will stamp the top to look like flagstones and color it appropriately. It will be nice when done, but right now it is a mess.

I have been aware of the aging underground tank for many years, but I was concerned about how to heat the house. Once I had the heat pump air-conditioner installed and I saw how it seemed to work well even in the coldest weather, I have become less concerned. The new tanks are above ground, so jelling of the fuel oil is a concern with oil. We shall see this winter how things go.

Digging out the drainage ditches has become more critical, as the rainfall and groundwaters seem to have risen over the years, and water sometimes flows down the hill where it did not use to flow and seeps out of the ground in new areas. It can be a muddy mess, and I am trying to make it good for the next several years so long as the big digging machines are here. We have raised the pathway to the pond and provided stone on top over much of it.

At my age I must be concerned with all safety aspects of the land and keep it in good shape in case my heirs wish to sell the land. I will not, at least not as long as I can remain here, even if I need help physically to remain here in the future.

I am deeply grateful for the beauty of the grounds and having the ability to maintain everything. God has been profoundly good to me over the years, but I do miss Eileen and the sharing of all this beauty. I know she is here in spirit but I miss her physical presence, sometimes in an overwhelming manner. I am surrounded by remembrances of her, which helps to fight the depression/grief that can storm in at times.

Meditation

 

Gentle One, I find Your presence in my life a critical need as I age. Loneliness is always present without Eileen, and even though I have many remembrances I still miss her physical presence. I have turned to You countless times and You always give me comfort, and I am grateful for the softness and gentleness that I feel flowing through me at those times. I ask for the many that feel as I do and need Your comfort and aid at this time, for I know that so many of my friends are in similar circumstances.