Living in Unconditional Love (100)
Feb 05, 2023
Living in Unconditional Love (100)
“Love flows from God to humans without effort:
As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings-
Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul,
Yet separate in form.”
–Mechtild of Magdeburg
My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down almost two years, and even though it is abating, I wear my mask anytime I am out among people, unlike many.
02/05/2023 This is the 100th version of this pathway after Eileen’s death, which I started just over a year after Eileen’s death. It is approaching three years since she died, on the 22nd. It doesn’t seem possible that this time has passed, and I miss her each day. I am “used” to being alone and feel comfortable being alone, but I miss her and her presence every day.
The 21st of the month is my granddaughter Maria’s 3rd birthday, and since Dan and Alesandra and the girls are returning to the States sometime around the 15th of February from Peru so that the next granddaughter can be born here in March, they are holding Maria’s birthday party there as I write this on Saturday. It is being held on the roof of their condominium where there is a pool, overlooking the ocean amid the beautiful summer there. They have set up a full Disney Princesses outfit, and there is a entertainment group of young ladies dressed as princesses (I assume) there right now, and a small ‘bouncy house’ as Dan describes it. Like last year with the addition of the bouncy house but held on the roof of the building.
Maria loves the school she attends and will miss that while in there home in Virginia, as well as the horseback riding that both she and Mackenzie love. the pictures of Maria always show her with a suppressed smile while on horseback, while Mackenzie looks serious. But they both ask for ‘horse’ during the week.
My cellulitis has calmed down, as apparently it can’t really be cured but only controlled. Right now, there is only occasional pain and some swelling each day, and the doctor doesn’t want me to take any antibiotics for it unless the pain and/or redness becomes worse. I will watch it carefully to be sure the swelling doesn’t become severe, or the area turn red. I have the antibiotics here if I need them. This means I end up using my cane more often when out. So far, I don’t need it while home. I did not get to mass last weekend due to the pain, but that has subsided, and I will hopefully get to mass tomorrow.
I did drop off from physical therapy (for my knee) while I had pneumonia and will hopefully start back up next week.
I try to paint for an hour or more every day, but somedays I am too busy even for that. Seems strange that I am busy, and I do confess to spending much more time sleeping, but the time just slides by. An hour or more nap in the afternoon is common. One of the pictures I am painting right now is a wedding picture of Eileen. I always have one of her in process, and I have several more ready to paint: mounted and primed.
It has indeed been cold this week, as it was -5 this morning at 8:30 on my front deck. Supposed to be a bit warmer this coming week, slightly above average.
Working with grief is a never-ending process, at least with me. I have pictures of Eileen scattered around so that she is always present, and that gives me great comfort. I spend the time necessary to prevent any deep depression, and life is as it is. The beauty of the house and land is a great comfort, and her presence among it all is very strong, at least in my memories.
Meditation
Gentle One, I am aware of Your presence constantly in my life throughout the day. Your touch calms me when I am upset, and You always lead me in ways that surprises me. You constantly show me life has meaning and point me in ways that makes all glow with Your love. I rest in Your Being whenever I become aware that I have wandered, which is too often; but You are always there to gently welcome me back.
