Apr 12, 2020

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (7)

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future

To a known God”

·      Corrie ten Bloom

My wife of 58 years (June 10, 2019) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter Maria, and the funeral was March 4, 2020. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the space in my life.

04/12/20     Each day I wake with the sense of loss but aware of a presence. The strange mixture is settling in some manner I cannot describe, but I know that Eileen is here gently holding me and calming my grief. Easter is tomorrow, and the entire world is holding its breath as the corona virus holds the world in its grip. It is amazing how the human nature is dependent on our sense of personal interaction, and not until it is blocked from us do we realize our dependence on the closeness of another. I have been joined in grief by the world that is being forced to stand still and hopefully to reassess its demands for more “things” and to recognize the nature of our longing for one another is not an aberration but is part of our deepest nature.

I believe the nature of my path of grief that appears to be somewhat different from what I read about is because I had time to place myself in the hands of my God over the past year. Kicking and screaming at times (especially me; I did not once see or hear Eileen voice an objection to her path), but both Eileen and I spent time drawing closer to God and one another, feeling the warmth of that Love while at the same time the pain of the crucifixion. The crucifixion is very clear to me at the loss I feel in my soul, but this crucifixion is a part of life; a part that I now realize that God also chose to follow with us. We have been working on keeping ourselves present for several years, and this past year taught us by force what we had read and talked about, in the truth of our being. Keeping myself truly in the ‘now’ when the pain of loss is so great has proved invaluable to my sanity, as now I can look at the coming of spring (despite the 3 inches of snow yesterday) as a sign of life that goes on and on, certainly containing my life and the life of all whom I love, now and in the future.

Yes, I can, if I allow myself to relax and just ‘be’, not thinking, and be present to the joy of life itself; life that contains Eileen as well as all I can see with my physical eyes. She dwells in everything that I live in, as her mark is on the fullness of this house and the surrounds. Together we had fashioned all we have; her presence is strong and vibrant.

But life goes on, and as the world keeps shifting I will shift also, joining in the joy of new babies, growing children and inspiring adults, new flowers, beautiful sunrises and sunsets, breathtaking skies, awe-inspiring stars and the fullness of our universe. Eileen will live on in me and our family as we remember the wonderful times we had, rejoicing in all that is as it unfolds over time.

Then I will join her at some time in the future.

To me, Eileen was love personified. Everything she did was filled with love. Yes, she could become angry with others, but was quick to forgive and never held a grudge. God spoke to me through Eileen, and she was the link to the word of God in my everyday life. I could trust her judgement even if I sometimes ignored it (usually to my regret). Her presence is still here, speaking through others if I listen with my heart as well as my ears. I will miss her humor, as that humor was one of first things that attracted me; but I will listen to life was it speaks to me, often with humor if I only listen.

Meditation

Blessed One, I sit by the tomb on this Holy Saturday waiting, waiting. If I but listen, I can hear Your voice in the haunting voice of Eileen, which rings in my ears each day. Filled with love and joy, how can I miss it? That love was my path to understanding the Love You share with us, and it will be forever engrained in my heart and soul. Never wavering, always present, in good times and challenges. Now You have told me to look up and out, and to share that Love with all that intersects my life, drawing on the open flow of love that is always present. I place myself in the embrace of Eileen to follow the path forward.