Dec 27, 2020

 

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (44) 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future 

To a known God” 

• Corrie ten Bloom

My wife of almost 59 years (59 years on June 10, 2020) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter, Maria; 60 years to the day after we met; the funeral was March 4, 2020, and the burial was July 3, 2020. Then my brother Tom began having serious health problems, and I spent two three-week sessions with him this summer. But Tom died in October; combined with the COVID pandemic this has created a very challenging year. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the spaces in my life. 

Merry Christmas all. Just the three of us for Christmas; Dan came last Sunday, and Barb came on Monday. Nice to have some of the family here. We bought the Christmas tree in from the garage where I stored it (wrapped up) the rest of the year. It does take two to bring it in, as it must be made horizontal to fit in the door and living room entry. As usual, it was Christmas eve when we decorated the tree, but it was lit (lights already in place) as soon as it was placed in the usual location on Tuesday. Decorating the tree on Christmas eve has a long family tradition; at least on my side: as a child we waited to decorate the tree on Christmas eve. I had been told by my mother that that was the tradition from the old country, being Germany. I have been slowly decorating the house since Thanksgiving. Everything is aimed to bring joy to all, even if I am the ‘all’.  

I chatted with Eleen in my head the whole time. We usually have more of the family here for tree decorating, but not this year; and with very young children not sure if we will have that again.  

Christmas dinner was a fat roasted chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy; good food. Afterwards we watched four episodes of the just-debuted Netflix series called “Bridgerton” set in Regency England (1813), then the last 4 on Saturday. This is based on the book series about this large boisterous very wealthy English family of 8 siblings and their widowed mother by Julia Quinn, generally funny and light but with many serious parts. Part of the charm of this unique presentation it presents the people as a mixture of skin colors; the hero is Black, and the heroine is Caucasian, and the Queen is Black (I understand that the Queen in 1813 may have distantly black). And not a blink at the mix. The entire cast is a mixture of color and type, at all levels of society, from the royalty to dock hands, all working together. Hopefully it will set a new standard for movies; just people, not “white” or “black”. This is the type of light book that I read to keep me finding joy and laughter in life. (This is based on the first book of the series; I understand they will do several more series based on the next books.) I will insert a warning: it is very, very, sexy, a bit too much by most standards (the most graphic I have ever seen on television, but I watch very little television), the language can be a bit rough, and there is some violence including a dual and bare-handed boxing. 

I can still find joy in life. Chatting with the little ones; sharing with all the wonderful persons in my family and good friends. And talking with Eileen and my brother as the day flows by. I will miss going to Mohonk Mountain House this year, but it would not have been the same without Eileen. My daily meditation periods provide a basis for my looking at life and the time I have here. The pain in the world this year is intense, but I have some hope that next year we will move into a new era and some healing will occur. I hope to start my book club up by Zoom early in the year. Maybe I can provide a bit of healing to others when I can; God will provide the opportunities.  

As you can read, nothing spectacular occurred. Just life continuing. That is the process of life. A constricted Christmas time, as the whole world feels. But time wins in the end, we are slowly moving into the next phase of recovery; our country will suffer immense losses and pain in the next several years, and we will have to learn to reach out to others more. I wonder if we will ever return to the handshakes and hugs that were the norm before. It seems like each generation must learn on its own; this type of knowledge is seldom passed on to the next generation and we seem to have become more selfish in the past century. One of the side benefits seem to be a reduction in the flu cases, as the flu is passed on by the same methods as COVID-19, and the use of face masks, spacing, and cleansing techniques are slowing the spread of flu as well as COVID-19. 

Meditation 

Gentle One, Your shield covers me and allows me to rejoice with Eileen during this time we celebrate Your physical presence in our very physical world. Your Shadow covers me, and Eileen is helping me cope with loss and empty spots that crop up on an hourly basis. I find myself leaning on Your presence more and more, letting myself absorb Your Spirit to find the Joy that is present.