Dec 06, 2020

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (41)

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future

To a known God”

·      Corrie ten Bloom

My wife of almost 59 years (59 years on June 10, 2020) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter,Maria;60 years to the day after we met; the funeral was March 4, 2020, and the burial was July 3, 2020. Then my brother Tom began having serious health problems, and I spent two three-week sessions with him this summer. But Tom died in October; combined with the COVID pandemic this has created a very challenging year. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the spaces in my life.

12/06/2020                   I am preparing for Christmas, a little each day, combining hopeful Advent with the joy of anticipating Christmas, intermixed with a sense of loneliness and grief. I have continued putting up decorations, and on Saturday put the stable up. The stable is larger than most, (the figures are an average height of seven inches) and I have added to it over the years. We have several smaller ones that I will scatter around.

I can’t find the advent wreath, but found the dining table Christmas decorations, so for now I am putting those on the table. I guess I am becoming used to the empty house, but periods of grief sweep in and harness my thoughts and emotions. It is often at unusual times, but I have excepted these varying interludes as normal for this part of my life.

I work to keep myself busy, trying hard to not just sit around. Reading is always an option, but usually I read a fiction eBook (I have about 5 started, and it depends on my mood which one I open) rather than anything serious, but I have many books and eBooks that I should be reading (faith, science, history, racial intolerance), but just can’t bring myself to read these yet, as I don’t think I would remember much. That is unusual, as I usually read at least one or two serious books along with a few fiction books, usually one of the fiction being an old favorite. At this time of year I usually read light Christmas themed books with happy endings, and I am doing so this year – at least three different ones at once.

Then I have my Lego project, with the micro-blocks, (having finished the Notre Dame Cathedral), the Taj Mahal. I spend probably close to an hour a day adding to it. With around 4000 blocks, some as small as 0.1 x 0.1 x 0.1 inch, it will take awhile. A challenge to hold and insert between others. Sometimes I have to dismantle some I had just installed to put the small ones in place. Yes, I have my next one already. Plus art projects, coloring books of interesting subjects, some left by Eileen, and other projects. Plus I have to learn to cook – every evening is an adventure.

Sometimes while working on the Lego project I will listen to one of my courses I have signed up for. The one I am listening to now is about the shadow side of the Enneagram personality types. The shadow refers to the Jungian term for the negative side of our unconscious personality. I have decided that I am primarily a type 5, one that seeks knowledge about everything, often to the detriment of the rest of life. On the positive side, I have a strong leaning to type 8 (type 5 line of growth), where I use my knowledge to help others and lead efforts.

And occasionally I receive a phone call concerning my company, and there is the occasional meeting by various media, including every other Wednesday afternoon, that takes about 3-4 hours.

My mornings are breakfast, then a period of meditation (up to an hour, usually around 45 minutes), then into my emails –  right now I receive about 200 a day. Most I quickly discard, and hopefully as Christmas comes closer I will receive fewer ads. Buy this, buy that. Usually then it is lunch time when I finish, but often insights from various spiritual or intellectual paths.

I cant forget my nap around 4, then when I get up I use the treadmill for ½ hour, listening to a book while doing so – the time flies by when I use a book, but crawls when I don’t.

And so the day goes by. Before I know, it is coming close to 7, and I still have to make supper, clean the counters, make all sparkle. Then it is 8 or later, so I plug a few Legos in place. Somewhere about 10 I look at Facebook, then turn on an Audible book or two, depending on how long a chapter is. Then bed around midnight; another day is gone, and it starts all over again.

One of the things I discovered via Facebook was Leonard Cohen. I am mesmerized by his music, and his particular style. I am amazed I had never heard of him until his “Alleluia”  became popular, and I love it. The depth of his compositions and the beauty of the renditions capture me, as his love of all is clear. Some of his recordings of the 70s or 80s show the same talent, but his style has evolved and gained depth with age.

In another week Barbara and then Dan will come home until the first of 2021. I will not regret this year ending.

Thus God leads me by the hand, gently encouraging me to let life come in, and find a new normal, with the sense of Eileen always close. It is a quiet life at this time, and I probably would not be much company anyway. I heard from a friend that we used to meet after church on Sunday for lunch. I was happy that he is recovering from a serious health issue. He sounded upbeat (as usual), stating he is improving. I thought until the call that he was still in the hospital. It was great to hear that he is getting better and is home. They have 24 hour help, as his wife is quite crippled, and cannot help at all, and he can’t do anything much either.

This blog has proven a challenge to write, as everything seems so normal for what is going on. No sudden insights, just each day, one at a time. I now understand that Eileen is truly gone, and I have accepted that fact, but the loss bites me often and with the pandemic, there is little escape, except to do each thing that has to be done. I keep a small notepad next to my favorite chair to put the unusual item that I think of – such as water the bonsai, which I did this week. Yes, even in winter storage they can dry out, and the unusual warmth this year is a bit of a challenge.

Meditation

Gentle One, You guide me gently over the bumps, easing the mental pain, giving me solace in everyday experiences that go on. I truly understand I am part of the whole of humanity, and my small contributions are important but only in ways that ease the whole – life is all one, moving from birth, through peaks and valleys, finally ending in death, to move on again. I am but a small speck in eternity, but still a critical point in evolution of our planet. Day by day You point out this fact to me strongly, as each day brings me further from my life with Eileen here to my life with You (and Eileen) in eternity. Yes, life is still good, but different.