Oct 04, 2020

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (32) 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future 

To a known God” 

• Corrie ten Bloom 

My wife of almost 59 years (59 years on June 10, 2020) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter, Maria, 60 years to the day after we met; the funeral was March 4, 2020, and the burial was July 3, 2020. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the space in my life. 

10/04/2020 Today is my Mother’s birthday. She would have been 123 years old. She lived to be 94, dying in 1992. I have become very conscious of the apparent swiftness of time and the shortness of life. I have been by myself for one week as I write this, as Barbara left one week ago, and this seems to be the new normal, which it will be for the foreseeable future. The pandemic has accented this now, and I have little interaction with any other human except when I go food shopping or go to church, and even then, those are swift with no time for interaction. The phone is the only real interaction I have currently. My son Dan and family, including 7-month-old granddaughter Maria, will be coming up for a few days in a week or so, and I am looking forward to that. 

Being alone all day has caused me to ruminate about life, especially life with Eileen for the past 60 years. If you asked me what, at this moment, I miss most, it is the touches we exchanged every day we were together. One of the great joys of my life was walking around with Eileen; we always held hands when possible, and sometimes even when a challenge. This started on our first date that was on Holy Saturday in 1960 when we went into New York City for the evening and Holy Saturday Mass (which was at midnight in 1960), as I explained that I wanted God to bless our time together since this could be the beginning of life together, since we were already friends of several months with the young people’s group at church. 60 years of holding hands as often as we could. 

On Saturday Drew brought Huntley (3) and Clara (10 months) over for a visit. These two bundles of joy brought instant joy to the house. We (mostly Huntley doing the throwing) spent an hour or more outside throwing stones into the pond, and Huntley demanded I help in search for stones to throw, especially down by the exit stream. Then he took me downstairs and demanded I sit on the bottom step, but he said “no tickling”, as he trotted up and walked or slid down the steps, over and over. Sometimes he would just sit beside me looking outside at the beautiful fall scene, before clambering back up again, insisting I just sit watching and catching him when he asked. We toured the downstairs, and he climbed on couches and beds (with my help) all the while just enjoying himself. Clara watched intently when we were visible to her, and she will be walking before we know it. This truly made the day come alive with joy and fun. 

My brother (just moved to rehab from the hospital) lost his ability to swallow, which caused some food to go into the lungs when he ate. The doctor was not surprised as this is common when the heart slows down to the point that the muscles cannot get sufficient blood flow to function correctly, which is what happened to Tom. It is correctable though and will be part of the physical therapy at the rehab. He had a feeding tube put in to prevent further damage, and then went to the rehab on Friday. The feeding tube is only temporary, they assured Tom. His daughter told me that they plan on getting 24-hour coverage when he goes home, until he can function fully on his own. 

Life goes on, and slowly things are coming to a semblance of what will be my new normality. I am exercising more, using the treadmill when I don’t feel comfortable being outside, and using audible books during that time to help it pass quickly. It is actually quite comfortable and fun. I fill my time with books, some walking around, building Lego models (working on Notre Dame Cathedral at the present), and assuring a discipline to keep the house neat and tidy, counters shining, clothes clean, etc. 

Meditation   

Gentle One, You cradle me carefully, and help me to see the wonders of life lived. I am beginning to see the joy of life again, able to laugh again and join in during this time. Eileen will always be part of me, as she joined herself with me for 60 years. The seasons roll on, and there is no holding back, but I am learning to join and gaze in wonder at the beauty of Your universe. I am full of gratitude and love of all.