Sep 27, 2020

 

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (31) 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future 

To a known God” 

• Corrie ten Bloom 

My wife of almost 59 years (59 years on June 10, 2020) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter, Maria, 60 years to the day after we met; the funeral was March 4, 2020, and the burial was July 3, 2020. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the space in my life. 

09/27/2020` ` I am writing this as I start my time of being alone in this house that still echoes with the feel of Eileen. Barbara left on Friday, and I am writing this on Saturday, so have had one day being alone. It does seem strange, but this will be the norm from now on until Christmas, unless one of the young ones come calling, especially with COVID. It was 7 months ago that Eileen died, and I visited the cemetery and had a talk with Eileen on the 22nd, the anniversary date. I am there often, as it is less than 10 minutes from our home. Yes, I do feel like Eileen is there (and here), holding me and helping me through this time. She had prepared herself for this, and she is helping me walk through this phase of life and come out stronger than before. 

As I reported last week, my brother is in the hospital. He needed a pacemaker, as his heart had slowed down and preventing his kidneys and other parts from fully functioning, putting him in the hospital with severe edema, where they determined the cause for all, including his extreme fatigue was that his heart had slowed down to the point that his various body functions were operating below sustainability. They put the pacemaker in on Thursday, and then had to go back in on Friday as a wire had come loose. The doctor told him he got two for the price of one.  

He will go to a rehab that specializes in pacemaker recovery, and we will see what happens afterwards. I will go out to Ohio if necessary. Will not be so easy, as that would leave the house empty, but that can be worked out. I have a security system that I fully activated for the first time. This is a new system that was installed shortly before Eileen died, and had never been used, (it was on, but in standby) but seems to be working well, if last night is any indication. I also am having a tooth repaired that broke, and that will take a few weeks before I can go. (It takes forever, or so it seems, to get all the appointments with the proper spacing.) 

The fall colors are starting to show, and it has been clear but cool for the past few days, bringing out the colors that are sprinkling the scene from our deck. My fall blooming bulbs are beautiful, and everything looks so breathtaking. It seems strange just to enjoy this alone. I am taking some pictures and putting them on Facebook, and my garden page as well. It seems strange, but my garden page on Facebook has a rather large following, over 4000! I have been putting flower shots for several years on the page and have not advertised. To my surprise, it has garnered a following. I must keep telling folks that I only grow them, not sell them when they inquire about purchasing something. That seems to surprise folks, but I just like to share the beauty of my home. 

The week has been quiet. I visited the office, did my tax information (we don’t have to file until October 15) for the accountant, watered bonsai (I will keep watering until they are ready for winter storage. Then watering once-a-week for a couple of weeks, then less, during the winter months, until April when I bring them outside.) One of the things I have ignored in my own health is exercise. I need to get walking daily. I keep telling myself that, and then suddenly the day is gone. 

I have been helped by a book I came across, Finding Meaning, by David Kessler. He has worked all his life as counselor for the grieving after a loss. He speaks from experience, having lost his 20-year-old son to drugs. He spoke of the standard 5 steps of grieving but asserts that until you can find meaning in the person’s life and death (the 6th step), you can’t come to terms with the loss. He worked with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for many years and this 6th step came about through that work. This book is helping me tremendously. Eileen’s life certainly had meaning, as attested by all the she helped, our seven children, and the joy and challenges for growth she brought me in the 60 years we were together. Finding meaning in her death is more of a challenge. The question is how I can use her loss to find further depth in life, depth that I may not have found otherwise. He cautions, over and over, this takes time, time where time itself can provide a healing balm. It has only been seven months since Eileen’s death, probably too soon for the true meaning to appear. Time his truly both a help and hinderance, as one of the problems that time gives is that we become afraid that we won’t remember sufficiently. That is a problem for me. 

Meditation  

Gentle One, You sooth my soul, and give me strength. Life is still good; I can enjoy the beauty of the seasons, the glory of the colors, the remembrances of the joy that Eileen brought to my life, the joy of life itself, knowing that Eileen is comfortable and living in joy itself. I am grateful for all the glimpses of joy that is in my life: the laughter of children, the beauty of nature, the warm house, the glimpses of heaven itself in all that exists.