Aug 23, 2020

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (26) 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future 

To a known God” 

•                         Corrie ten Bloom 

My wife of 59 years (June 10, 2020) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter, Maria; the funeral was March 4, 2020, and the burial was July 3, 2020. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the space in my life. 

I am writing this on Saturday eve, August 22, the six-month anniversary of the death of Eileen. But yesterday was the 6-month birthday of our granddaughter Maria. I have chosen to honor the birthday of Maria over the death of Eileen, as life goes on, whether we are here or not. Yes, the grief is still often overwhelming, but Eileen would have chosen that also if I had been the one to go first. 

This past Wednesday Barb and I went to the morning mass at St. Patrick’s church in Whitney Point, and the celebrant, Fr. Doug Cunningham, saw us, and remarked that Eileen was the Director of all at the church when he had first arrived in 1992, and he was amazed at the impact of Eileen on all who interfaced with her. He spent quite some time eulogizing her, and I was moved to tears at his remarks. Eileen had impacted so many during the years she was working in the parish. I knew that, but I was moved so deeply that it was recognized by someone who just arrived in the parish and witnessed the impact. 

It was quiet today, and I spent some time working on the bonsai. I will have much to do in the winter and spring, as many need wiring and repotting, and that can be done only after hibernation and a spell in cold. Now is the time for weeding and TLC, taking only the wild growth off and preparing them for winter in only a few weeks. Many should have been wired and some repotted this year, but I was not up to it. Luckily, the living plants can take a year of neglect with grace, and with a little extra effort next year they will do well. All in all, they look pretty good. 

Life continues on, with or without us. I understand that, but the loss of one who filled my life with joy, blessing and beauty is mind-boggling. I will be making decisions that Eileen would want me to make, and see the beauty, love, and joy that still fills the air around me. I spent an hour or so with a glass of wine this evening sitting in our gazebo on our pond, just absorbing the quiet and beauty that God has given us, whether I see it or not. Eileen is prodding me to move forward, and I have decided to take the time to promote my book, design a course around the contents, and other items that I hope will help to make the world a better place.  

Even nature was cooperative this week. We saw turkeys, (many), both a stag and a doe most evenings, the Barbara heard a noise outside her bedroom window early one morning and saw a bear! She (the bear was surely female from the size) was probably the same one I saw a year ago peering in our family room door. She knocked over a stack of chairs on the back patio, and chewed on the barbecue brush I had left out the day before. (It was about 20 feet away for the barbecue where I had left it.) Several have reported the bear in the neighborhood, just roaming around looking for snacks. Bears are generally harmless unless disturbed, but they are strong and can be dangerous if disturbed. It probably nests down by the lake, a couple of miles away. Bears love bird feeders, and we have had several mangled over the years, even one heavy steel one, forcing us to not feed the birds during the warmer months. It is amazing to see the creatures of immense size that roam around, and we so seldom see them when we are in the woods – but they are there. It is a breathtaking pleasure to just sit quietly and absorb the beauty, and be amazed at the wonder that floats all around us. 

                           Meditation 

Gentle One, You hold me in palm of Your hand, soothing away the fears and sorrows that are in my life. You have a path for me to follow, if I only dare. I place myself there, trusting You to hold me firmly unitil I join Eileen once more. The beauty that You surround me with is wonderous, and I feel my trust in You is firm. You give me opportunities to give solace to many, and open up paths I had not understood till now. I will walk this path with Eileen at my side, and You leading me forward step by step.