May 03, 2020

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (10)

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future

To a known God”

·      Corrie ten Bloom

My wife of 58 years (June 10, 2019) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter Maria, and the funeral was March 4, 2020. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the space in my life.

05/03/2020   This week, Friday May 1^st, we celebrated Eileen’s birthday; she would have been 82. Our daughter Barbara, who is staying with me during the lockdown of the carona-19 virus, and I went to the cemetery. Even though Eileen’s ashes have not been interred in the grave at this point, the stone is present, as Eileen and I had purchased the stone last April, knowing the terminal diagnosis. It was a somber moment, and drove home the reality of Eileen’s death. (I use that word, death, rather than  the more prosaic “passing”, to help me except the reality of her being physically gone from our midst.) I keep expecting to see her, and yet I know I won’t see her. Do I feel her presence? Yes, often, especially when I am out in the garden at this time, or working on our bonsai. I have done several this week, all are ones she would have been working on early, as they had long branches that needed to be trimmed back.

As much as one wishes to stop time during this period of life, time marches on. With the lockdown of society, the entire world is frozen. It is a great possibility that many will jump the gun and ignore the safety measures of the lockdown, and the virus will spike again and cause much more damage, simply because the actions of those who are ancy will cause more illness and death, and force even stronger measures to stop the pandemic. Sitting at home, with sufficient food and heat, and the beauty of spring, it will not actually change anything here, but so many will suffer much.

It is very difficult to find words that even begins to express the variety of feelings and emotions that are present. Love, loss, bewilderment, pain, depression; all are part of the sense of this part of life. My memories range from remembering the joy of new love, the breathtaking moments of bringing new life into the world, the wonder that such a person could love me and desire to live their life with me, and so many more. The joys of parenting, the excitement and wonder of watching your children growing and becoming adults; all this and many others. Just the countless times of looking into one another’s eyes and becoming lost in sense of oneness. We had a wonderful life, full of joy and wonderment. Problems sometimes, but that is normal, and nothing could overcome the love that marked our life. The joy of helping others in our community; sharing our love of God with many others; sharing our love of God with one another. What could be greater than that?

Meditation

Loving Spirit, You have filled our lives with joy and breathtaking heights. You have formed the backbone of our 60 years of life together, what more could I ask out of life? I could not have imagined what You had in store for us when we were young; far more in joy and happiness than I thought or imagined was possible. I give my life into Your care; all is well indeed. You have brought me here to this point of my life, and I know that You have a path for me to follow, if only I place myself into Your Love fully. I try to follow Your path every day, hopefully I will not get into Your way as I fumble along.