Feb 13, 2022

  Living in Unconditional Love (49)

“Love flows from God to humans without effort:

As a bird glides through the air without moving its wings-

Thus, they go wherever they wish united in body and soul,

Yet separate in form.”

–Mechtild of Magdeburg

My wife Eileen died from esophageal cancer in February 2020 one year after being diagnosed, 60 years to the day that we met on Long Island. Then my brother Tom became ill, and I spent a total of six weeks being with him in Ohio, but he died in October 2020. My sister-in-law Sue Mahoney died from Covid-19 in January 2021. On top of it all stood the pandemic, locking everyone down almost two years, and still going strong from my viewpoint, as I wear my mask anytime I am out, unlike many.

02/13/2022                                     I am approaching the trip to Lima, Peru, which starts Tuesday eve and I arrive there early Wednesday. Dan will meet me, and take me to the condo they live in. It is a six-hour flight from Atlanta, leaving around midnight. I have a few suitcases of things they ordered; I may have to leave a couple of things behind to fit my clothes in to minimize the over-charge for luggage. I am looking forward to this adventure.

I may not be able to take my computer with me, and to fill this column for the Sundays I will be gone I will re-publish the utterings of Barbara and Dan from Eileen’s funeral for the next two Sundays. The return ticket is for the 24^th, but I may stay longer, depending on how I feel. As I have said, this is not an exploring trip; that will wait for another trip. I suspect they still intend to show me places not too far away.

It is hard to believe that Eileen has been gone almost two years; yet it seems like that was another life. I still find the words of my children in the eulogies bring me to tears and laughter. Eileen was born to be a Mom; she connected with every age at all times. She always said she was a difficult child, free in her own mind to do as she wishes, with not always the expected result, but she remembered her life, the good and the bad, in detail and could draw on that knowledge to help ease the pain of a child. She gave me her unconditional love for 60 years, breathtaking on my part. Her love for her family was foremost, but she shared love with so many, especially the young who were in pain, usually from a family situation. Eileen always had the situation at home under control and backed me in whatever wild thing I was thinking about, such as starting a company at age 62.

Eileen always claimed to hate being a leader, but she led others in her various jobs as a Director of Religious Education for various churches, and all held her in awe (at least any that would talk to me about her).

We were deeply in love. I always found it almost a shock that such a beautiful person could love me – but she made it clear that she did. We held hands any time we could, and her energy and warmth always lifted my spirits. Indeed, I had just set her hand down to eat lunch when she let life go.

These past two years have been a challenge to me as I delt with the loneliness of life without her. I drank a tad too much, spent too much, anything to forget that empty chair. I would stay up to 2 in the morning to avoid going to the empty bed. After a year I stopped the drinking and had already stopped the spending 6 months earlier. But it was another 9 months (last September) before I could wake feeling good just to start another day and say, from my heart, life is good. But I stay dislike leaving the warm bed!

The house is pretty much as she left it, and I know she felt she had the house just to her liking. I find all to warm my heart with her spirit, and I discipline myself (or try) to keep things orderly as she (and now I) would want. This means laundry weekly, bed linens every two weeks, keep the place dusted (yes, I have continued having the cleaning service that Eileen had started using a few years ago) and keeping things looking nice. The only change I have made was to pack away the soft purple bedspread and replace it with a bright colorful flowered one to bring joy first thing in the morning and anytime I walk in there.

Meditation

Gentle One, You lead me in ways that I would have found surprising only a few years ago. You know that currently I just want to curl up and cry, so You give me so much to be grateful about, especially with the memory of Eileen’s love. You give me everything I need to fill my life with Your peace and love and push me to absorb that love from the memories of the unconditional love from Eileen. Thank You for making that love that flowed through Eileen to me and our children so real to touch my and our life.