Jan 10, 2021

Birth, Death, Joy, Grief (46) 

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future 

To a known God” 

• Corrie ten Bloom

My wife of almost 59 years (59 years on June 10, 2020) and best friend Eileen had been diagnosed with terminal cancer of the esophagus, in February 2019. Eileen died on February 22, 2020, the day following the birth of our latest granddaughter, Maria; 60 years to the day after we met; the funeral was March 4, 2020, and the burial was July 3, 2020. Then my brother Tom began having serious health problems, and I spent two three-week sessions with him this summer. But Tom died in October; combined with the COVID pandemic this has created a very challenging year. This blog gives my thoughts, fears, prayers, and hopes during this challenging and difficult time looking at the spaces in my life. 

01/10/2021 My writing intentions this week abruptly shifted after the debacle this past Wednesday. These events of the past week have brought a great sadness over-riding the pain of loss, and my heart aches for our country, once thought to be great. But the burning reality of underlaying hatred and selfishness that occupies a great percentage of our country became blistering clear this past week. The attempted coup, led by the huckstering president, was the pinnacle of the sad events that presented to the world the reality of our country. This was not an aberration, as it brought forth the same mentality that led to the civil war in 1860. That mentality has not changed in a large percentage of our population (witness the exaltation of the confederate flag by so many, including one of my neighbors, even now), even though the pain of WWII led much of Europe out of the worst of that morass. We did not suffer to the extent of Europe; the hatred and abuse could continue here, generally ignored by those not directly impacted, including being ignored by the press.  

Eileen and I have been aware of much of that underlying current, as the efforts of my parents back in the 1940s and beyond, plus the life work of my brother, brought the reality to the forefront of our thinking through the years. I regret not doing more to alleviate the pain of the situation, as I was aware of its’ extent. We as a nation cannot hide from this reality as much as we would like to, as we have turned a blind eye for centuries. Thanks to modern technology it is revealed so clearly as it is happening and cannot be hidden. Ignored, but not hidden. 

This sad reality will fill our future in unknown ways, the possibility that our democracy will fail is real, as so many, including many elected officials, are intent on breaking our country, even in the face of this attempted coup. Quite frankly I believe they are saddened it failed. Witness 8 senators and almost 150 congresspersons continued this destructive path of denying truth even after the riot was quelled. 

Once more the impact of the pandemic came home, as a good friend of ours died from Covid. She and her husband have been friends from our start at St. Margaret’s, and it is painful to hear of her death. She was not in good health, but she had been good until a month or so ago. 

But this week also caused me to have an ‘aha’ moment. It has been almost three years since my book “The 12 Steps to Joy and Happiness, finding the ‘Kingdom of God that lies Within’ “  was published and I have come to understand that I was led to write that book for myself as well as for others, to refer to my core beliefs now that I am going through this phase of life when finding that joy and happiness is a difficult challenge. I am always astonished when a time of synchronicity appears like this, and it has taken me a long time to become aware of this particular pattern (this is normal, and it is almost always in hindsight that these relationships are understood). 

Finding joy and happiness at this time is a challenge, but I have been re-reading my own words and trying to follow my own advice to surrender myself fully to God, each moment of my life. Part of my advice is to surround myself with things that would normally bring me joy, and to that end I still have all my Christmas decorations up, and yes, I found a way to listen to bright and cheerful Christmas music anytime I wish. Plus, I have been keeping myself busy, as I cannot leave the house: working on my Lego models, trying to set up and try my hand at painting – a paint-by-number design. They are now VERY complex, (think of the Mona Lisa) but once upon a time I used to be proficient in drawing, even though now it is but a memory. I have been working on some coloring pages to get my eye-hand coordination back. The paint-by-number images come printed on canvas with numbered acrylic paints. I must put the canvas stretched tight on a frame, on a table easel – we shall see. I have all the parts and pieces: now to start. I have also started a long process of removing accumulated stuff that litters our house, including saved clippings, articles, books, magazines, and so much else. Must try and simplify things for whoever must clean up after I am gone. 

I find that the hour or so of quiet time in the morning is critical to keep my spirits up during the day, and it is fresh every morning. During this quiet-time I can feel the tension drain away, and a form of happiness or at least contentment enters. This is the path God has given me right now, and somehow, I am called to extend that sense of the presence of God, right here (Jesus called it ‘The Kingdom of God’) to others, even if I am house bound with the pandemic. 

 This requires me to start my spiritual book club up once more. I shall use the book Things Hidden by Richard Rohr, a book on reading the message of God starting from the Old Testament through the New Testament as a story of a 2000-year journey clearing a path so that Jesus could talk about God’s Love for our universe and us in particular, and eventually be understood as a God that Loves us in all our pain and messiness. 

Meditation  

Gentle One, You weep for the pain we feel, for our pain is Your pain also, as You promised to be with us in all things. Like the Father in the story of the Prodigal Son, You run to meet us. Your Being is stretched forth to console us, and it is in sorrow that we turn to You at this time of personal and national pain. You weep for us, as You have always called us forth to find Your joy and happiness in our everyday life, even in the midst of our pain.